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Kermet Apio's Laugh Corner

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August 2005


Michelle and Me


A few weeks ago at the John Deere Classic (a PGA golf tournament in Silvis, Illinois), Michelle Wie came within two strokes of making the cut and playing the weekend with some of the best male golfers in the world. It would be an incredible accomplishment for any woman, but for someone who is 15, it is inconceivable. I wanted to try and put this feat into perspective, so I will try to compare 15-year-old Michelle Wie’s second round day to 15-year-old Kermet Apio’s typical Hawaiian day (we have to go back to 1983 for that).

7:15am – WIE: Shows up to the golf course to warm up.

ME: Still asleep.

7:45am – WIE: Gets scorecard and makes way toward first tee while every move she makes is scrutinized by the national broadcast and print media.

ME: Still asleep.

8:00am – WIE: Introduced by announcer and tees off.

ME: Yelled at by father to wake up before he gets teed off.

8:10am – WIE: Sinks four foot putt to make a first hole par.

ME: Back asleep.

8:30am – WIE: Tries to figure out which club to use for 170 yard approach shot.

ME: Tries to figure out who locked
Shaggy and Scooby Doo in the closet.

9:05am – WIE: Studies the layout of the green before a putt.

ME: Studies the layout of Apple Jacks floating in milk.

9:32am – WIE: Watches leader board to see what players she is chasing.

ME: Watches Kikkaida to see what action figures he is chasing.

9:44am – WIE: Birdies a par 4, crowd goes wild.

ME: Makes funny noise with hand under armpit, family dog goes wild.

10:26am - WIE: Takes out driver, hits ball 300 yards.

ME: Takes out rake, hits leaf into street.

10:33am – WIE: Goes into the turn 1 under after scoring a 3.

ME: Goes down the block and waits for bus number 3.

10:57am – WIE: Shot goes into bunker sand.

ME: towel goes onto Ala Moana beach sand.

11:18am – WIE: Discusses with caddy which club to use.

ME: Discusses with buddy which Star Trek technology will be the first to come true.

11:45am – WIE: Starts to feel pressure as she realizes she is close to making the cut.

ME: Starts to feel pressure as he doesn’t realize the girl working at Liberty House has absolutely no intention of going out with him.

12:12pm – WIE: After a double bogey at 6 and a bogey at 7, her chances of making the cut begin to falter.

ME: After not buying anything for an hour his chances of hanging out at Liberty House begin to falter.

12:41pm – WIE: Completes round with even par 71 and a two round score of 1 under.

ME: Completes spitball gun made with Zippy’s straws.

12:55pm – WIE: Interviewed by ESPN, Fox Sports, and many other national networks.

ME: Asked by Zippy’s manager to leave.

Yes, I have no business comparing myself to a true sports hero who may change the game in the very near future, especially since the only similarity between us is our birthplace. My point is that most 15-year-olds are playing at the beach rather than making history, and we Hawaii people should beam with pride and support for this incredible phenom. So I hope this column helped you realize what a great job Miss Wie did last month. It made me realize that my life at 38 isn’t that much more exciting than it was at 15.

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