Kermet Apio's Laugh Corner
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It’s December. Tis the season where we celebrate the most joyous time of the year by prioritizing the people in our lives and figuring out who will get a gift, who will get a card, who will get an email and who will fall off the list and need to work to get back on next year. I believe the true feeling of the season lies in the wide eyes of the child, so I’d like to take a look at a letter written by a young Kermet Apio quite a few years back. For those of you under the age of 25, ‘letter writing’ refers to a historical means of communication in which someone would take a pen and a piece of paper and write words which they would then send to another person through something called a “Post Office”. It was similar to email, just without all the clicky lights and immediacy.
There may be questions about the authenticity of this letter, but the Northwest Hawaii Times Humor Column Research and Fact Checking Department has gone through some downsizing, so you’ll have to trust me.
Let me say that I appreciate you coming all the way to Hawaii every year as I realize that even at night it’s probably hot for you and the reindeer. And sorry about not having a chimney. Mom says you come in through the window but no one else is allowed to because one time my cousin did that and the cops came over.
Anyway, you know a few months ago when I locked my younger sister outside the house and then threw water at her when she came near the screen? Well, I’m hoping you see that as more of a funny thing than a bad kid thing. If so, I would like to let you know my wish list for Christmas.
Last year I asked for roller skates and you gave me those metal wheels that tie to my shoes. Maybe I didn’t say it right or maybe I wasn’t all that good a boy in ’73, but if I could get actual roller skates this year, that would be great. If not, maybe a helmet and knee pads, because I really don’t know where I’ll end up when I’m on these metal things.
I’d also like one of those cool Levi wool jackets you see in the commercials. It’s been getting pretty cold here. The other day it was 65 degrees and rainy. I could never live some place where it’s cloudy and rainy. 1
And I’d like a toy Mustang. Red and convertible. That’s such an awesome car. That’s what I’m going to drive when I grow up. I am going to drive a cool car and everybody will think I’m cool. 2
I’d also like a 5 neck guitar like the guy from Cheap Trick. Cheap trick is an awesome band, Santa. They’re going to be bigger than the Rolling Stones. 3
And I’d like a Kikkaida action figure. Do you have Kikkaida in the North Pole? He’s Japanese and he fights evil. If the elves don’t know how to make Kikkaida action figures, you can get them at Gems, or Wigwam, or maybe even Long’s. I don’t know if they’re open Christmas Eve so you might have to stop by a few days early.
I know I’m asking for a lot of stuff, but for some reason I feel like this letter should be about 700 words. I don’t know why but it seems like I’ll need it in the future.
Okay, back to the presents. Is there any kind of magic toy that makes a sibling cry? Just thought I’d ask. If there is, please add it to my list. Near the top.
I’d like a microscope or an erector set. When I grow up, I’m going to be a scientist or an engineer. I’m going to do something important. 4
And there is a new thing called “Video Games” that I want. You can play a game called “Pong” which is like ping pong, only on your television. On your TV! That’s amazing! Technology can’t get more advanced than that.
If you still need suggestions a surfboard, a boogie board, a shave ice machine, a GI Joe, or a football would all work. Oh, and world peace. I don’t know what that is, but people ask for it all the time, so it must be cool.
Thank you Santa. See you on Christmas Eve.
-Kermet from Ewa Beach
p.s. By the way, don’t park the sleigh in the bushes behind our street. People throw garbage back there and you could step on something sharp. There will be mochi crunch and one of my Mom’s Pepsi’s on the table. 5
I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season and I hope you get what you asked Santa for. Unless, of course, you asked to make a sibling cry.
1 2005 - I have now lived in Seattle for 20 years.
2 2005 – I drive a Taurus Wagon with two car seats and an interior covered in pine needles, raisins, and trail mix crumbs and I have almost never been referred to as “cool”.
3 2005 – They’re not.
4 2005 – I tell jokes in bars.
5 2005 – Since then my Mom counts her Pepsi’s.
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