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It is January, which means the beginning of a new year and time to start working on my Christmas cards. But before I start the duties of ’06 I think it is important to reflect back at ’05. So it is with great excitement that I announce the 2nd annual Northwest Hawaii Times Humor Column News As Pertaining To Hawaii With Reference To Transplanted Locals In The Northwest 2005 Year In Review
(or NWHTHCNAPTHWRTTLITN2K5YIR, for short).
GO GRAMMY’S HOUSE – For the first time ever, Hawaiian music had its own category at the Grammy awards. One of the other new categories this year was, and I’m not kidding, “Best Surround Sound Album.” So a musical culture hundreds of years in the making is welcomed to the Grammy’s the same year as music that includes the two speakers behind you. The Hawaiian award was not presented at the prime-time televised ceremony, but at a ceremony across the street at the Sizzler. But at least our music was recognized and being the first group ever, all the nominees were winners. Except, of course, for those not named Charles Brotman.
I CAN CADDY – Michelle Wie, the golfing phenom from Oahu, announced she would turn pro, surprising only one person, a guy from Waimea who really didn’t understand the details. Wie will balance competing against the greatest golfers in the world with attending high school, which pretty much guarantees a prom date (who, if I were him, should ask to go Dutch). When asked what it would be like to attend school with a millionaire, one of Wie’s Punahou classmates said, “Um, she’ll just be like, um, you know, like 90 percent of us. I mean, like, oh my gaaaaaawwwwd.” When I was 16 I declared myself available for the NBA draft. 22 years later, still waiting for the call.
WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF “CAP”? – In an effort to battle the rising costs of gasoline in ’05, Hawaii became the first state to enact ‘Gas Caps’ on wholesale gasoline in late August. Since then Hawaii has increased its lead as the state with highest average cost of gas. So it’s not so much a cap as it is a visor, with the top part wide open. Next year, they will introduce ‘Home Caps’, which will take the price of a 2 bedroom condo from $1 million to $2 million.
TAILGATE 12-STEP – Lt. Governor James “Duke” Iona, in his bid to never be elected to any office ever, led an initiative to ban the use of alcohol in the Aloha stadium parking lot before UH football games. The ban is on hold as Stadium Authority members need to figure out how the UH will do with 40 to 50 people attending the games. Would you rather have a couple of guys getting into a fight because they are drunk, or thousands of guys getting into fights because they’re angry and sober? If someone is wolfing down kalbi, laulau, musubi, mochiko chicken, sashimi, etc. and they have to wash it down with a Juicy-Juice Juice Box, there may be a fight. And by the way, a beer poured into a Coke can is still a beer.
GO GO RAIDERS – And in another sports story not as important to you as it is to me, the little train that could Iolani football team won the division II state title after beating Radford in early December. This story brought me so much joy not just because Iolani is my alma mater, but because Radford is my sister’s.
THERE’S NO “I” IN NATIVE – The Akaka Bill made waves this year, so much so that Republican Senate leaders held it off until ’06. Former Washington Senator Slade Gorton, in trying to prove he is still alive, fought hard against the bill, mainly because one time on vacation in Waikiki he was served a Mai Tai without a little umbrella and has never forgotten the pain. An Oxycotin-filled Rush Limbaugh said that the U.S. did not take part in the overthrow of the Queen, but that “we're talking about insurgents in Hawaii , and according to the Akaka Bill we supported the insurgents. We didn't.” And apparently the guys in soldier uniforms surrounding the Palace were from the cast of the Nutcracker, passing out coupons for the matinee. As soon as this bill passes, I will be opening Kermet Apio’s Casino and Comedy Emporium, bringing Branson to Waimanalo. And kids eat free.
GET WELL, MR. HO – There is no one from Hawaii more famous than Don Ho, except maybe Stitch, but that’s a whole different crowd. Ho, 75, has just returned from Thailand where he received a stem cell treatment not approved in the United States . It was a last ditch effort to restore his heart and so far he is doing very well. Ho wants to continue to work, but he has been advised to avoid stressful activities, and what is more stressful than having to sing “Tiny Bubbles” every single damn day, twice on weekends.
THE BEST STORY OF ’05 – My son was born in March and he is healthy and wonderful. And he loves his sister. I have to go take the kids to the driving range. Road comic salary won’t pay for college.
Well, this has been NWHTHCNAPTHWRTTLITN2K5YIR
Best wishes for 2006!
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