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Kermet Apio's Laugh Corner

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January 2008


Daddy UH


Happy New Year! I hope you had a holiday filled with food, family, friends, fun, and any other “f’s” that make you happy.

So the University of Hawaii football team actually did it. They went undefeated for the first time in their history. Now many of you know that I went to the University of Washington, but I grew up watching UH games at Aloha stadium. So I feel like I can cheer for both. It’s like the two colleges are my divorced parents. I love both of them though I live with one, but I cheer for the one that is making me happiest right now. So Daddy UH just bought me a car.

The UH football program’s rise to success started when they hired June Jones, who has coached in the NFL (the National Football League), the CFL (the Canadian Football League, which only has three downs per series and the ball is made of styrofoam), and the USFL (the laserdisc to the NFL’s DVD). Then they changed the team’s name from the “Rainbow Warriors” to the “Warriors” because, from what I understood, a certain group of people were also using a rainbow as a logo, and this could be confusing because both groups wore the rainbow on their uniforms and really tight knee-high pants.

One of the most important pieces of the puzzle was the arrival of quarterback Colt Brennan, which I believe is a stage name. His real name is Shaymus VonFattyface. It has to be. If Colt Brennan is his real name then he must have the greatest parents ever. Yes, I said it, Mom and Dad. Kermet. What were you people thinking?

Brennan transferred from Colorado because walking in sand is fun, while walking in snow makes your toes turn black and fall off. He has shattered records at both the school and NCAA levels and he broke the state record for “Nice things said by locals about a white guy,” a record previously held by Tom Selleck. He has become a phenomenon in Hawaii. A Caucasian hasn’t been treated with this much adoration since the guy who invented SPAM visited in 1951.

Another big accomplishment by the UH is keeping talented local kids home. BYU used to get so many local players that during the BYU season opener in 1989, the Cougar’s broadcaster was trying to describe a play that involved two Samoans and a Hawaiian and actually swallowed his own tongue.

The last game of the season featured the Warriors at home against the Huskies. I wasn’t sure who to cheer for because I grew up watching UH and they were on the precipice of greatness. And yet the UW was the reason I came to the mainland and I love the Huskies. A comedian friend of mine said “Well, it’s not like you GRADUATED from the UW, so you’re good either way.” With comedians as friends, who needs enemies?

The Huskies put up a great fight but lost an exciting game 35-28. Next thing you know, UH has won every single regular season game. They were the only division 1 school this season to accomplish that. Amazing.

They earned a birth in the Sugar Bowl against the 4th ranked Georgia Bulldogs. By the time you read this, the game will already be over. As I write this, the game is still a week away (it was played on January 1st at 8:00 eastern, which I believe is midnight Hawaii time). So right now the only game I can report on is the Shasta Grape Soda Bowl in which ITT Tech lost to Barnum and Bailey Clown College on a last second touchdown by Chuckles, whose end zone celebration involved a unicycle, a tuba and a 15-yard penalty.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to write two endings to this column, one for each scenario. No, no, you don’t need to pay extra. Consider it a favor. This way, I’m covered no matter what the outcome, with the possible exception of a tie.

Scenario #1

Congratulations University of Hawaii!! One of the greatest upsets in the history of the NCAA! Wow! It was amazing to see all the Hawaii people who made the trip. I thought it was touching in the second quarter when they started passing out mochi crunch and Spam musubi to people in the crowd. That was awesome when Colt Brennan broke the record for touchdown passes in a bowl game and then the referees started doing the haka. I was a bit surprised that they made Colt Brennan governor of Hawaii but he did lead them to an undefeated BCS season.

Scenario #2

What an exhausting game to watch. The Warriors played their hearts out. Seven overtimes. Wow. I can’t believe that one play where the Georgia defense had 15 guys on the field and no whistle. I think that one referee may have been racist. Well, look on the bright side guys; you got to fly back to paradise. They had to fly back to Georgia. So you win there.

Okay, so hopefully we can use scenario #1. Either way, the people of Hawaii (even those who live elsewhere now) are beaming with pride. Everyone involved worked so hard, building for years to get to this point. This little program in its own time zone whose home games happen while the only person working at ESPN is the janitor. Be proud Warriors. You deserve it all.

See Huskies, it can be done, but for now you can have me every other weekend and a week at Christmas.

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